Letters to Lovers: One
Dear Lover,
You haven’t watched my Instagram story in days, and even though I’m a grown adult who shouldn’t care, I do. We don’t talk, the last time I texted you (months ago) you asked me who’s this. That stung, and though we didn’t carry on a full conversation, it still took me months to delete your number after the fact. I don’t know why I hold on for so long.
I remember during one of the times I lay sprawled on your bed after spending hours with you between my legs that you told me you had a terrible memory, and that you didn’t keep contacts in your phone that you didn’t speak to. You were so mattered of fact and I was jealous of my child-like grip on so many people, places, and things that no longer served me. I held on for a while to many of them anyway.
A few weeks into knowing you, you gifted me a tarot card deck. I still pull from it daily and try not to think of you as I shuffle it in my hands. You told me before pulling, that I needed to rid the deck of its former energy. This was done in order to get an accurate reading. Fresh energy.
I think after so long of not seeing each other, it only made sense that eventually, other hands would hold us, ridding each other of what was created between us. Ridding the stale energy.
I left my watch at your apartment the last time I was there, but was unsure of how to tell you I’d left it. My therapist says I’m getting better with my avoidance, but I wasn’t seeing a therapist the last time I saw you. That was more than a year ago. I doubt you kept it or even remember it was mine. I don’t think you would’ve thrown it away, but again — your memory is shit, you’ve said so yourself.
I don’t know what made me want to write to you this way. Maybe it’s because I knew I could never say this to you now. There’d be no point. I will say, you’ve served as an inspiration (of course you did, you’re You.)
There are many former lovers in my life, and ones I’ve yet to meet. I want to write to them all. I’m sure I’ll write to some more than once or twice, how could I not? There’s always so much to say, and gone are the days when I keep these words locked inside of me.
So, lover, know I think about you even though I probably shouldn’t. You’re in a relationship with someone who seemingly takes you over the moon. That’s incredible and beautiful and should be kept so close. I know you are. Without needing to ask and no longer wanting a reason for why you’ve unfollowed me after having been along for the ride over the last few years, I returned the favor and unfollowed you back.
You won’t notice, and that’s okay.
Yours,
Jen
